So at least a handful of you have heard an entirely too negative side of this on Twitter and I decided I needed to make up for that a bit and update all at once because my shrink did call a few days ago and asked if I bothered fleshing out my thoughts to my friends, to which I lied and said yes of course. And he called me on it.
Christmas. . .sucked. And I just want to throw it out there to say I don't judge how my Christmas goes based on what I get or don't. My dad got laid off a lot when I was a little kid and we had many a barren Christmas back then. I will say it's disappointing not to get a lot or to not get anything, I'm the baby of the family, I was spoiled all my life until I turned 18, where I was still spoiled but slammed with the reality of needing to have a job or be in school or BOTH and my brain, I think, didn't process that well.
I have the job and despite how much I bitch I AM grateful to have it with the nation as strapped as it is. I hate my boss. I think she's an evil martian bitch, but I have made friends there that I hadn't at first, one of whom is leaving to study a semester in Spain, and I am insanely happy for her because I had another girlfriend study there for a semester who JUST came home and she absolutely loved it.
That said. I may go crazy without her. They're threatening that they'll send us home if we have our phones and again I should say, I do understand where they're coming from but when 5/7 of the librarians spend 90% of their shifts on Facebook and AIM Express, yeah, I think it's fucking lame. I get two to three carts done every day I work if they're there to do. I do the book drop, I help anyone who needs it, and I got the same amount of work done when I used my phone regularly.
Anyway back to Christmas. We got up at about ten to let Chey open her stuff. She got a VSmile and a bunch of dolls she'll tear up sooner than later, and she got a princess outfit and fake food and she was pretty happy so we gave her cereal and I put in Muppet Christmas Carol and laid down with her again and just waited to be called. At around 12:30 I went to check on what was up and the parents were not speaking, so I figured okay no big deal. Then mom left to go to the cemetery without me and I thought well, fine, I undertstand that she's depressed out of her mind, she's not obligated to take me, when she gets home she'll feel better.
Well sadly she was gone past 4 and my dad made a sandwich so she came home to him eating it, assumed Christmas dinner was off entirely and the fighting began in full force. I went to talk to her a few minutes later to see if she would open up and you know, I'm surprised, because she did. She felt like my dad wasn't wanting to celebrate and that he was blowing off that she had made the effort by decorating and shit this year. But when I tried to say 'I dont think he's even thought that far', she got upset like she thought I was taking his side.
So, I felt defeated. I came back to bed, Chey was napping so I curled up with her and just cried. For a while. I watched a bunch of FNL and cried. And I feel pathetic for posting about it, but I guess this is the point of opening up. I miss having my sister here because she could always get mom out of these moods and I've never been able to. Christmas was the last holiday we spent with her before she died. She was just starting to show and I was so amused at that.
My Grandma called to wish my Merry Christmas and she sounds like she feels better which is good. No other calls tho, so, that made me feel a little lousy. I don't expect it, and I'm not saying that to be pessimistic, but I kind of hate having the phone now because I walk around and see people with them glued to their faces and I'm just like UGH. Who's on there, give them my number! I kind of wish I had a sidekick so I'd at least feel a little more justified in just using the phone to text, but then the random calls like grandma or one of my old high school girlfriends who found me on Facebook come in and I generally forget I ever felt bad.
In the end I got mom out of her room and to baking, and so she got me out of bed to open the crap my Aunt mary left when she came to visit. She got me a shirt from what appears to be some Emo Punk Band in Budapest, I dont think she realized it when she bought it there and I think she didnt realize the cousin she bought it from was in said emo punk rock band. He's Andy Sixx with a minor haircut and better eyebrows. There is cause for concern, therefore.
And my dad got me two fifty dollar Visa giftcards. Which both excited me and made me sadface because yeah, $100 would help with my current credit card dilemma. On the other hand, I really pushed them for either a Flip Cam or the refurbished PS2. So I'm torn. I may just pay the card and pay it with a few more chunks of my own money to get it down, and then buy the PS2 with the credit card. On one hand, it'll probably take months but on the other, it'd be the more responsible thing to do.
Bah I dont know. I do know I have to work at 9 AM despite having told my bosses I can never work such an hour (hey if they're going to ask and follow the request, I'm going to make it). I have to work Sunday too. Good for the wallet, bad for my sleeping habits so, I'll probably take a pill in the next hour to make sure i go out so I can get up at 6:15, walk to the bust stop and then take a bus an hour before I even need to be at work (with the bus schedule as it is, this isn't really avoidable).
So, that was Christmas. And my whacked depressed brain right now. I definitely hope you all had a lot more fun, and alcohol, than I did this year. Take care everyone.
Christmas. . .sucked. And I just want to throw it out there to say I don't judge how my Christmas goes based on what I get or don't. My dad got laid off a lot when I was a little kid and we had many a barren Christmas back then. I will say it's disappointing not to get a lot or to not get anything, I'm the baby of the family, I was spoiled all my life until I turned 18, where I was still spoiled but slammed with the reality of needing to have a job or be in school or BOTH and my brain, I think, didn't process that well.
I have the job and despite how much I bitch I AM grateful to have it with the nation as strapped as it is. I hate my boss. I think she's an evil martian bitch, but I have made friends there that I hadn't at first, one of whom is leaving to study a semester in Spain, and I am insanely happy for her because I had another girlfriend study there for a semester who JUST came home and she absolutely loved it.
That said. I may go crazy without her. They're threatening that they'll send us home if we have our phones and again I should say, I do understand where they're coming from but when 5/7 of the librarians spend 90% of their shifts on Facebook and AIM Express, yeah, I think it's fucking lame. I get two to three carts done every day I work if they're there to do. I do the book drop, I help anyone who needs it, and I got the same amount of work done when I used my phone regularly.
Anyway back to Christmas. We got up at about ten to let Chey open her stuff. She got a VSmile and a bunch of dolls she'll tear up sooner than later, and she got a princess outfit and fake food and she was pretty happy so we gave her cereal and I put in Muppet Christmas Carol and laid down with her again and just waited to be called. At around 12:30 I went to check on what was up and the parents were not speaking, so I figured okay no big deal. Then mom left to go to the cemetery without me and I thought well, fine, I undertstand that she's depressed out of her mind, she's not obligated to take me, when she gets home she'll feel better.
Well sadly she was gone past 4 and my dad made a sandwich so she came home to him eating it, assumed Christmas dinner was off entirely and the fighting began in full force. I went to talk to her a few minutes later to see if she would open up and you know, I'm surprised, because she did. She felt like my dad wasn't wanting to celebrate and that he was blowing off that she had made the effort by decorating and shit this year. But when I tried to say 'I dont think he's even thought that far', she got upset like she thought I was taking his side.
So, I felt defeated. I came back to bed, Chey was napping so I curled up with her and just cried. For a while. I watched a bunch of FNL and cried. And I feel pathetic for posting about it, but I guess this is the point of opening up. I miss having my sister here because she could always get mom out of these moods and I've never been able to. Christmas was the last holiday we spent with her before she died. She was just starting to show and I was so amused at that.
My Grandma called to wish my Merry Christmas and she sounds like she feels better which is good. No other calls tho, so, that made me feel a little lousy. I don't expect it, and I'm not saying that to be pessimistic, but I kind of hate having the phone now because I walk around and see people with them glued to their faces and I'm just like UGH. Who's on there, give them my number! I kind of wish I had a sidekick so I'd at least feel a little more justified in just using the phone to text, but then the random calls like grandma or one of my old high school girlfriends who found me on Facebook come in and I generally forget I ever felt bad.
In the end I got mom out of her room and to baking, and so she got me out of bed to open the crap my Aunt mary left when she came to visit. She got me a shirt from what appears to be some Emo Punk Band in Budapest, I dont think she realized it when she bought it there and I think she didnt realize the cousin she bought it from was in said emo punk rock band. He's Andy Sixx with a minor haircut and better eyebrows. There is cause for concern, therefore.
And my dad got me two fifty dollar Visa giftcards. Which both excited me and made me sadface because yeah, $100 would help with my current credit card dilemma. On the other hand, I really pushed them for either a Flip Cam or the refurbished PS2. So I'm torn. I may just pay the card and pay it with a few more chunks of my own money to get it down, and then buy the PS2 with the credit card. On one hand, it'll probably take months but on the other, it'd be the more responsible thing to do.
Bah I dont know. I do know I have to work at 9 AM despite having told my bosses I can never work such an hour (hey if they're going to ask and follow the request, I'm going to make it). I have to work Sunday too. Good for the wallet, bad for my sleeping habits so, I'll probably take a pill in the next hour to make sure i go out so I can get up at 6:15, walk to the bust stop and then take a bus an hour before I even need to be at work (with the bus schedule as it is, this isn't really avoidable).
So, that was Christmas. And my whacked depressed brain right now. I definitely hope you all had a lot more fun, and alcohol, than I did this year. Take care everyone.
1 heavenly host | Sing Allelujah
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